So it’s been four days since the crappy chemo news and I have successfully spent just about 18 of the 24 hours in each day sitting in my pee pants. Not really pee pants, I’m an adult, but figurative pee pants; they are wet, a little tight, depressing and uncomfortable. I have felt bad and sorry for myself and I spent more time than recommended online reading about the yucky side effects of chemo and browsing wig websites that can’t be successful businesses because even the styrofoam mannequin head looked like it envies Donald Trump’s quaff.
Side bar – I don’t know if I’ll get a wig(s). I haven’t decided yet. The thing about wigs is that their purpose is to give the illusion that there’s nothing wrong with the person wearing it…or more effectively, give the illusion that they’re not wearing a wig. The trouble with me is, if someone saw me with long, beautiful flowing locks their immediate thought would be “who is that? Is that Arielle? Impossible, it looks like that girl brushed her hair. Where’s her messy bun? Something’s wrong.” We’ll see though, there’s still a bit of time to decide or hope someone invents the ‘messy bun with streaks of grey’ wig.
Anyways, back to the pittiest of parties. The last four days have been gorgeous, warm, almost summer-like days and I couldn’t give two shits. I was just as happy to sit in bed glued to my phone/iPad/laptop and have some bad television on in the background. Thankfully I wasn’t allowed to do that the whole time but it’s what I wanted to do. Last night I had another glorious, drain-free, shower and at some point while I was using up the city’s hot water supply I had a chat with myself.
If you continue along like this it will suddenly be the day before chemo starts and you will look back at this month and hate yourself for wasting it. You feel good physically right now. Why allow your brain to keep you inside and hidden away from people, the sun and things you love? You’re about to start something hard, absolutely the hardest thing you have done in your 34 years and you must tackle that steep, daunting mountain with a healthy body and brain. Stop this, you can’t control what’s going or not going to happen in 5 years time but you can control how you feel today. Be brave.
I got out of the shower and almost immediately felt a little better and this morning was ready to start the day. I guess sometimes you just need to step out of the batters box, call time and have a chat with the coach.