The Side Effects, Effect

(ahem, insert Jerry Seinfeld impression) What’s the deal with side effects? You’re taking one medication to cure you of a single illness and the pills you have to take make you sick in 12 different ways. You need pills to cure you from the pills.

For real! I used to laugh at those commercials that you see on daytime television. The ones that spend the first 3 seconds of the commercial introducing the drug and the next 47 seconds listing all of the possible side effects. Usually there’s a couple looking absurdly happy to be walking their dog, antiquing or something else inane that has nothing to do with whatever drug their supposedly taking.

Do you have chronic something? Choose Blahmera for immediate relief.
(Don’t take Blahmera if you have a cat, if you were born on a Thursday, if you are allergic to Blahmera or if you use umbrellas when it rains. Common side effects include heartburn, sporadic rashes, nausea, bad credit, decreased appetite, incontinence, depression, lowered sperm counts, temporary blindness, numbness in extremities, hair loss and the inability to find matching socks in your laundry. Severe side effects of Blahmera include leprocy, scarlet fever, tuberculosis, cancer, death and a zombie apocalypse. Stop taking Blahmera immediately if your internal organs liquify). 
Ask your doctor is Blahmera is right for you.

No thanks. Not interested. Keep your silly drugs. Until it’s supposed to keep your cancer from coming back. No, Exemestane is not nearly as bad and there’s no commercials during The Price is Right about it but I am just a little sick and tired of side effects. The main ones so far are unrelenting hot flashes, some sporadic nausea, insomnia and weight gain/difficulties losing weight. Most days I feel like these aren’t a big deal, I’ve dealt with far worse, but some times I think about 5 years of this and it feels like death by a thousand cuts.

How has the medical industry not figured out these side effects yet? I get that curing cancer is tough but if it’s still going to be a while until the cure is discovered, how about we at least make the side effects of cancer treatment semi-pleasant? I’m not talking about anything crazy but maybe equal parts good and bad. Need to have chemo? Well, you’re going to lose your hair BUT you also get six-pack abs. Doctor wants you to have Radiation too? No problem, it’ll burn your skin BUT your IQ increases by 50 points. Have to take Exemestane or Tamoxifen for 5 years? You’ll have constant hot flashes BUT you’ll also be able to eat McChicken burgers every day and not gain an ounce.

I’d walk 5k and raise money in support of research for the advancement of better side effects.

Get it together scientists!