Insane in the chest drain

I know I spoke briefly in the Glossary of Terms about the drains that I have been carrying around for the last 11 days but I feel as though they are annoying enough to warrant a full post. The drain tubes start somewhere inside my chest and are about 2 feet long with clear, plastic grenades at the bottom. Don’t ask me where they go once they enter my body because I have no clue but wherever it is, it’s a magical land full of unidentifiable bodily fluids. Sometimes the fluid just looks like regular old blood, other times it’s darker like a full bodied red wine and sometimes it’s kind of like the colour of champagne just before you add orange juice to make a mimosa. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a drink.

Throughout the day I “milk” the tubes to push all of the fluid into the grenades and then twice a day (sometimes more if needed) we empty them. The drains get to be removed when they are draining less than 24-30ml of fluid over a 24 hour period. We are oh so close on the right side but still too much output on the left.

The drain on the left side has been a bit finicky since day 1. It tends to leak at my chest and requires extra TLC and attention. We have managed to keep it under control and Tasha has used a paperclip, spare shoelace, postage stamp and chewed bubble gum to MacGyver a solution. She has done a great job keeping the leaking under control. That said, the other night I got up to take more meds and it felt like my stomach was wet. I put my Sally Jesse Raphael glasses on, turned on the bathroom light and when I looked in the mirror it was like a damn crime scene. We got it all patched up and back to bed but ladies and gents, this is the kind of unbridled excitement in our lives these days.

So, How does it feel to have the drains?

(Ladies) You know that feeling when your favourite bra all of a sudden tries to impale you with a broken underwire and stabs you in the side? It feels like that, but on both sides and 24 hours a day.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to getting these GD things removed.